


All the Brightness

by Highsmith (quimtessence)



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Related, Character Study, M/M, Teen Angst, Yuletide 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 12:22:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8890627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimtessence/pseuds/Highsmith
Summary: Caleb's dreams never come in the dark.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [throughadoor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughadoor/gifts).



> A sort of _in medias res_ prequel. If you squint.
> 
> EDIT: The Archive opened earlier than I'd anticipated, hence the editing/drafting shenanigans. But it's fixed now! Go read! Sorry for the *flails hands*...

The first emotion of the day is anger. Sounds about right.

It only goes downhill from there.

*

It could be worse, and Caleb is aware of the truth within that notion, yet he cannot muster enough of a fuck to give towards how he could be having an even worse time of it. Of his life. Honestly, just fuck everything.

*

Other days he wakes up with a trail of obscenities a mile long on his lips, but not enough anger to fuel such a verbal rampage. It's all sort of anticlimactic in the end. School brings it back out of him, but at least he has those precious moments of respite before he has to quiet down his head.

(If you tell him it could be worse, Caleb will seriously hurt you.)

*

The emo kid is beyond weird. Fact.

*

Scratch that -- the emo kid is redefining weird, and Caleb can't even think well enough around him to be outraged or whatever the fuck ever. It's not even his problem, Jesus, but it's hard to do much else when He is around.

(He has a name, right?

Caleb almost socks himself in the face at thinking that.)

*

Of course he must have a name.

Right.

Adam.

Yeah.

Even his name somehow bothers Caleb. Fuck, he's such a basket case. That Adam kid has company now. Fucking great.

*

They should not be speaking to each other, Caleb doesn't think, because for sure this is only gonna make it worse. Whenever he has to face that much _emotional crap_ it's like hitting a physical brick wall at full speed. A brick wall you never see coming. A brick wall that _hits back_. The emotional crap is, like, fucking cumulative.

(See? There is worse to be had. Bingo!)

Only it's not. It doesn't. It's not _worse_ per se. Caleb doesn't even get how that's possible. The black-and-white-ness of "if it's not worse, then it must somehow be pretty darn decent" doesn't seem to apply. It's all just. So. Very. Confusing.

Fuck his life. Seriously.

*

He sees the colours bright and sharp, sometimes, and it's not that they're beautiful, but they're so unavoidable they may as well be.

*

OK. All right. OK. Fuck. He fucked up. And badly. Jesus fucking Christ. All right.

*

It's the day after that stupid dance, but Caleb swears it must be the Apocalypse. Fucking great.

*

Caleb doesn't want to think about how Adam probably has his own side of this story. Everyone does. Adam isn't special, and he sure as shit doesn't wage more air time than Caleb. And this isn't pure selfishness on Caleb's part, either, just simple reality, the way we all think about ourselves and our lives.

Hell, he's being generous here. And probably more in touch with reality than the idealism he feels around him every single day. His brain is turned up higher than most of his peers will ever know.

*

He dreams sometimes, and it's fucking miserable is what it is.

That, in and of itself, is not surprising in the least. Of course it's not. What does come as a complete shocker is when the dreams he can still remember aren't an utter crapfest. If he could legally buy booze he'd bust open a bottle of the bubbly just for that.

Even bigger shocker? Let's talk themes and motifs in his non-sucky dreams.

Actually, no. Caleb's not touching that with a ten-foot pole, thanks.

The urge to smack himself is growing more urgent by the day. He even considers, in a fleeting sort of way, whether this isn't all some hallucination brought on by a game injury or a bad batch of drugs. Smoking up those two times behind the bleachers could have done a number on him.

If he is passed out somewhere flying high he'll have one Hell of a rude awakening is all he's saying.

*

School is always the same even when things happen.

School will always be the same.

Essentially, Caleb hates everyone's face on principle. They exist to emote, hence he despises their very existence. Worse things have probably happened in the course of human life. He feels marginally less guilty about it in the shadow of how much he does not give a shit. Fuck, hid head is killing him.

Which is about the time when that Adam kid decides to walk into the classroom and head straight for Caleb with single-minded intensity. Caleb honestly would rather not have to keep Adam from hurting himself, or hurt him accidentally in turn, but he does not have even remotely the required energy to stave off a fully-fledged attack. Honestly, he feels like the least likely person deserving to have a Revenge of the Nerds scenario happen to him or whatever, but it surely would not be the weirdest thing to happen to him -- by far.

And, in the end, while it is a confrontation, it isn't a physical one. It's something else, away from the eyes of their classmates.

It's a Conversation.

(Caleb is still reeling. So sue him.)

*

So there's, like, talking now.

Huh.

*

His life sucks most days, but then there are those moments where it almost resembles normal.

Those never last.

Good to know they exist. It makes it easier to remember what he's striving for. He know what he wants his life to be, and he's lived it until now driven by pure want.

Winning games. Chilling with his friends. A smile just for him. He needs to want these things for them to happen. He tries not to think about what'll happen when the want runs out.

*

He flees Dr Bright's office because some things are more important than talking things through until he's calm.

Everything until now has been a flurry of random thoughts and emotions thrown at him. He needs to be the one doing the throwing (metaphorically speaking) from now on, or he'll end up catching everybody's crap.

*

In the end, they have an even better Conversation. In the end, it goes something like this, when Caleb thinks about it later:

Adam wasn't angry -- that Caleb knew for sure because duh. In the moment, he could figure out which colour went where. The clarity helped.

What Adam was, what he looked like, was dazzled at the words. A shiver visibly ran through him. And he knew with certantly, however, that, underneath it all, he, Caleb, wasn't feeling anything at all. When had that happened?

Or, not anything. But. Just. Nothing urgent. Like maybe what liberation felt like. He was maybe shivering, too.

It was a discussion they maybe should have had before. And it was also the sort of talk they could have postponed until the end of time. Until one of them broke or was broken into having it. Caleb preferred having it now. There were enough broken pieces within him as was.

That's what stands out. That's how he remembers it. Now. After. They talk and Adam _knows_.

And, at the end of it all, it could have happened anywhere at all. It could be during his sessions with Dr Bright, while on the phone during a stupid-ass conversation about carrots (because Adam), or after an uneventful day of mind-numbing school.

It happens. That's it. Caleb runs out, they talk, Adam knows. And Caleb is glad of it.

Then again, it could have been worse.

(Probably.)


End file.
